What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy