“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I have many caverns
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
back to work
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about