Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Bandersnaaatch's best tweets

@Bandersnaaatch : My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

@Bandersnaaatch: DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@Bandersnaaatch: Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)

@Bandersnaaatch: When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

@Bandersnaaatch: I need to make my kids understand that I'm not staff, I'm management.

@Bandersnaaatch: DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

- how I threaten my kids

@Bandersnaaatch: Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you, I've been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

@Bandersnaaatch: On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I've eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

@Bandersnaaatch: I will love you 'til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.