*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?