the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Do one person every day that scares you.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.