Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”