@BatBatshitcrazy: I'm only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
@BatBatshitcrazy: What's it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it's called alcohol.
@BatBatshitcrazy: Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
@BatBatshitcrazy: I've got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
@BatBatshitcrazy: Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I'll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I'll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
@BatBatshitcrazy: Rum: We've replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*