@BatBatshitcrazy: Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I'll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I'll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
@BatBatshitcrazy: Rum: We've replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
@BatBatshitcrazy: I've reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
@BatBatshitcrazy: My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I'm pretty sure the end days are near.
@BatBatshitcrazy: I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
@BatBatshitcrazy: My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
@BatBatshitcrazy: Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they're feeding you kale.