Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BatBatshitcrazy's best tweets

@BatBatshitcrazy : I'm not an introvert; I'm just a very inept extrovert.

@BatBatshitcrazy: Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I'll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I'll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

@BatBatshitcrazy: Rum: We've replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

@BatBatshitcrazy: I've reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

@BatBatshitcrazy: My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I'm pretty sure the end days are near.

@BatBatshitcrazy: I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

@BatBatshitcrazy: My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

@BatBatshitcrazy: Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they're feeding you kale.