mariah carrie
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
A new level of troll.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
This is my bus stop.