Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.