me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger