INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
felt that
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.