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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I hate my earbuds.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.