I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
it is time once again
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“I’m helping” 😅
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.