Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Good advice.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy