Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Is this a threat?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
A small tragedy.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.