Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”