What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?