[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
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*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus