my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
me doing my best
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.