Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
cat faces on other animals, a thread
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
awkward
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Yup!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip