I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.