You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Time for evil
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
#parenting
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.