if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
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national guard phone #
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…