Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.