Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.