Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Geez man, take it easy.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Was it something I said?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Oh no