me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.