me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL