*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*