*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Oh no
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.