You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”