So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.