Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
You Might Also Like
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.