I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.