Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”