boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄