Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My dog learned how to text
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.