The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
You Might Also Like
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”