My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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My support group can outdrink your support group.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.