My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.