Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit