Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Shower sex be like:
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.