That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.