We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The Compass
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas