Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Birdhumms's best tweets

@Birdhumms : I'm always disappointed when a bio states 'avi not me' especially when it's an animal or a cartoon.

@Birdhumms: Turns out, it's hard to say 'Whoopdeedoo' without sounding sarcastic.

@Birdhumms: I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

@Birdhumms: One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I'm beginning to wonder if he's really qualified.

@Birdhumms: I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

@Birdhumms: Me: I'm making home made soup.

H: Nice, what's in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

@Birdhumms: Maybe it's not auto correct, mayve it's your big fat clumsy dingers.

@Birdhumms: I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn't last long.

@Birdhumms: "Come to me flesh of my flesh".

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

@Birdhumms: A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids