Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Birdhumms's best tweets

@Birdhumms : "Come to me flesh of my flesh". *embarrassing teenagers is easy.

@Birdhumms: A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

@Birdhumms: Why is it when someone asks if you've lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

@Birdhumms: I've had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

@Birdhumms: Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you're seated comfortably.

@Birdhumms: You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they'd want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

@Birdhumms: I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you're right, there's nothing worse than a paper cut!

@Birdhumms: "Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead" she hexed.

@Birdhumms: Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

@Birdhumms: I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.