[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Born to be mild.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]