Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
incredible text to wake up to
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.