love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Breaking news:
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy