My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Bro what is this
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*