*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
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*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I feel it
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.