Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’d love this…lol
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.