I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Netflix and you sit over there.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.