What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*