Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low